3's A Crowd-Understanding and Surviving Infidelity – A Review

Book: 3's A Crowd
Author: Vijay Nagaswami
Publishing Year: 2011
Number of Pages: 308

Language: English

List Price: Rs. 250 INR

This is not a novel, not a work of fiction or a true self-help book. Let me start by saying that this is one of the best books written on ‘Infidelity’ in committed relationships. Also, since Vijay, is an Indian, this book has a focus on Indian society, its perceptions and the evolving culture. Of course, Vijay takes us through the emotional melodrama that the couples go through, but more importantly gives us a sneak peek into ‘why’ and ‘how’ of ‘Infidelity’.

Another reason that this book makes for an interesting read is the fact that it is written by ‘Dr. Vijay Nagaswami’ a practicing psychiatrist who offers couple therapy. All through the book Vijay utilizes his over 25 years of experience working with innumerable couples from across India for examples and insights.

Some of the other works of Dr. Vijay are following:

• The 24 X 7 Marriage
• The Fifty-50 Marriage
• The New Indian Marriage               

Coming back to this book, is it divided into two parts:

• Part1: Understanding Infidelity
• Part 2: Surviving Infidelity

The entire first section talks about various reasons of infidelity and which circumstances and/or personality traits lead there.The number one thing that came out in the very first few lines was the fact that affairs don’t just happen, we make affairs happen. As we move on reading the book, it deftly, yet with the simplest of arguments explores questions such as:

• How is it possible to have just one partner throughtout your life?
• Isn’t it possible to love more than one person at a time?
• Long arm of the law? (believe me I was not aware of this fact that extramarital relationships are punishable by law in India, but the strange thing in this law is that it believes that women cannot commit adultery and it is only men who can, strange law eh!)

But, one thing is given that Dr.Nagaswami through his first hand knowledge says that it is not only men who are reveling in adultery, but woman are equally open to the same and are enjoying the same as much as men do.

The most intriguing section in part 1 is where Dr. Nagaswami takes and breaks popular myths such as:

• Affairs take place in ‘bad’ marriages
• Affairs kill marriages
• Once a person has one affair, more will follow
• After an affair a marriage is never the same again
• Only men have affairs

And many more assertions and common beliefs are shattered and crushed.

From here on the book takes a different turn, changes from giving reason and examples of infidelity to practical advise on ‘Surviving Infidelity’. 

Almost all affairs do come to the fore sooner or later. Once we are there then what to do is what this section is all about. The most interesting part is getting on the survivor bandwagon and talks about change of mindset from a victim mindset to a survivor mindset. One thing I noticed about the book, is that it doesnot offer any prescriptions or sure shot way of dealing with all this. For me this was the best part of the book.  All individuals, personalities, situations, complexities are different hence there are not tell tale advise that can be implemented. This shows Dr. Nagaswami’s maturity both as a thinker and as a writer.

Love the closing remark “..if you are married, then it might be more sensible to try and get it right….keep in mind….in marriage three is always a crowd”.

Overall Rating: 4.5 on 5

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